How.
I name this how because I fail to comprehend how things have got this way.
I’m in KL now and I’m thinking you know everything should be the same, but obviously it isn’t.
Men, they want my body. What is this sex appeal that is spoken of. I mean, I personally fail to comprehend.
Growing up, I never thought myself to be beautiful. I always thought I was bad looking. And this isn’t one of those insecurities thing. I actually wasn’t good looking at all. And I grew up, I bloomed, and now, I think I truly am beautiful. I want to be honest and say that I am beautiful, have many bad moments where I look dreadful, but that’s great too because its my bland plain dull moments that make mme so interesting when I look stunning. I can be both. It took so much for me to finally think that way about myself.
However, its this confidence that I possess that comes across as sexual. Like, I have a big chest, ass, and the whole hour glass figure thing going on. Regardless of my thighs, huge arms and occasionally visible double chin, I still get attention. Positive attention. But, if a guy wants to do you when he sees you, is that really positive attention. No, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have to be dressed like a whore to get that response. Okay maybe a tight dress sometimes, or shorts (which I barely wear). But girls dress like me all the time, they don’t get that kind of explosive attention. Girls wear shorts, short dresses and tight shirts with visible cleavage all the time. Not many get those vicious eyes that I’ve met with. Its insane, really, it is.
Maybe its the fact that I’m quite filled. I don’t have a bikini body, butt in a way, little chubs are nice. I like it. But this attention that I get, it makes me uncomfortable but I FEED ON IT. Like, because its the kind of attention I get, my system’s got used to it. I know if a guy wants me, and I let him continue wanting me if I think he’s worth wanting back. I’m picky, but it might seem to a third person that I let go to any guy that comes to my life. Not true. I have stopped many relationships (friendships included) and concluded dates too. Not everything is worth the keep, even if the guy is amazing.
I don’t really know what this post is about. Its more to just let go of these thoughts in my head that honestly, do hurt sometimes. If I sleep with someone, I am very much able to keep it a secret. Its wrong to sleep around, but when you know that person cares about you and its just this one night thing, does that make it okay?
I did it with A on his birthday party thing. I’m in KL now and he and I are barely talking. I finally know what it feels like to be a second option. R is better than me I guess and once again, someone else got picked over me, but I was still used. Everytime she was distracted, he called me. And I let him because it was his day. I need to stop feeling bad. Like if I say no, I should just say no and not be all like I feel bad so I had to do it. It is my life and I need to run it.
Why do I let myself send photos to K then? Why? Once again, feel bad if I don’t? Come on Saher. Sigh, what am I doing?
